Anxiety Attack

I went in this morning for my beta knowing that it was going to be bad. Now, I'm just waiting. Will it be outright negative? Or do I still have to sit here all weekend not knowing for sure? Still pretending to be pregnant until I can go back in on Monday for another beta.

Usually, I hear from my coordinator by 2:30-ish. I emailed her earlier today to tell her she wouldn't have to break any news to me, that I already knew it would be bad, but that I hadn't said anything to the guys, and could she please be the one to tell them. I got an automatic reply telling me she's out of the office today.

I think the clinic closes at 4. It is now 3:39. I called about 15 minutes ago and asked if they had the results, that I wanted to make sure I hadn't gotten lost in the shuffle with my coordinator being gone. The receptionist said that they had the results, that they had been discussed with the doctor, and that the nurse would call me when she got to mine. I'm terrified now that the office will close before they can call the guys, and that I'll have to tell them I ruined their last chance at a baby. I want to email them and say I'm sorry, but I don't want to have to tell them it's negative. And, I have to go pick up DD in 20 minutes. I really hope they get back to me before that. I'm having a major anxiety attack right now. My head feels like my blood pressure must be sky high. My heart is pounding, I feel like I'm carrying weights on my chest and shoulders, and I can hardly breathe. God, I just want this day to be over.

:(

I've pretty much lost all hope of a positive beta. I'm still only getting the faintest of lines. I'm afraid I might be seeing something that's not even there anymore. Still no positive on the digitals. No surprise there. One of my surro friends said that with her first surrobabe, her beta was 11, and she didn't get a BFP until 11dp5dt. Pretty much everybody else agrees that it's over, though.

I spoke with Miranda (the owner of my agency/friend) about what I should do about talking to the guys. They hadn't asked about any testing. She had, though, so I told her that it wasn't going well. She advised that I should probably wait until the beta results, since they hadn't asked about testing. I wasn't sure. I didn't want to crush their hopes, but I wasn't sure if they would rather be prepared for the worst. They're never prepared for the worst.

Adam wrote to me this morning telling me how excited they are for the beta tomorrow, and asked how I was feeling. I just said that my fingers were crossed for a nice strong number. Which is true, though I have pretty much given up hope.

Tomorrow was supposed to be the day when I gave them their baby, not when they learned that they lost their second and last chance. I know in my head that it isn't my fault, but I can't help but feel like I've wasted their babies.

Very faint BFP

Well, yesterday and today, I have been getting very faint BFPs on FRER. However, it's been 24 hours, and they aren't getting any darker. I still got a "not pregnant" on a digital yesterday. The digitals need almost twice as much hCG as the FRERs, so I'm not surprised. This is different from any of my other pregnancies, so I really fear a chemical. I don't think I'm going to get my answer on Friday after all. I'm expecting a low beta number, which means I'll just have to wait until Monday to see what it's doing. I'm feeling really depressed right now.

Hard Day

I'm having a hard day today. I'm 6dp5dt, which is when I've gotten my BFP with the last two transfers. Though, with my first, it wasn't until 8dp5dt. But, I'm still getting BFNs. I normally wouldn't be worried so much, but I just keep thinking that I should be getting ready to have a baby, not a beta. The mailers for birth announcements aren't helping anything. I was ok until those. It was still kind of an abstract date until they sent me things reminding me that the guys should be holding their baby on Friday, not waiting by the phone to see if we have another chance. Combined with the continued BFNs, it's got me really down.I would like to eat copious amounts of frozen yogurt and cry.

Feeling Pregnant....

So, I'm definitely feeling pregnant. I've been exhausted for days, my boobs hurt, and my uterus is pulling. Unfortunately, those are all caused by the progesterone, so I can't say whether they mean anything or not. I just last night started peeing a lot, and I've been thirsty, too, and I don't see those as progesterone symptoms, so maybe those are good signs.

My cat, Cricket, also thinks I'm pregnant. She has been very protective of me through my pregnancies, and she is being very protective now. However, I don't know if she is sensing progesterone or hCG. I'm hoping hCG. But, I've never had a failed transfer to compare.

Today is 5dp5dt. I discovered that it is very difficult for me to have HPTs in the house and not use them, even if I know it's too early to get my BFP. My earliest has been 6dp5dt, but that hasn't stopped me. I have a friend who works at CVS, so I got a discount. Plus, this is my last time ever, so I can waste some money on tests, right? I tested this morning. And after church. Both times, if I took the test apart, and held it up to the window at just the right angle, I could maybe see a shadow of where the second line should be. If I were just looking, I would call it a BFN. I'm calling it hopeful.

I'm also trying really hard not to test again tonight.

Transfer!

Today was the transfer. Since Linnell is gone, my friend Sue took me. I had to be there at 9, and I didn't know the traffic, so we left at 6:45. This time, I didn't start drinking my water until 8, so I wasn't as miserable as last time. I also was only told "full bladder" this time, not 32 oz like last time. So, I just drank one bottle, and was much better. Still not comfortable, but much better. We got there at about 8:30, so not too much time to kill. The guys got there at  9, and I was called back to change. After I changed, they took me back to the prep area. They took my blood pressure, and it was a bit high, but not bad. Everybody else came back, and we chatted for a while. Adam had to go before the actual transfer, because he had a thing he couldn't miss, but Steve and Sue both stayed.

They took us back to the procedure room, and I crawled up on the table. The nurse still pushed really hard on my bladder this time, but as it wasn't as full, it wasn't as painful. We put in our last embryo, a good -looking 5-day blast. The RE didn't give us a grade for it, but she said everything looked great. After she put it in, I had to wait a few minutes on the table, and then I was allowed to get up and pee. Then, I changed, and we left.

I made myself a quick sandwich when I got home. Another friend picked up DD and French fries and brought them home to me. For dinner, we had Chinese delivery, so I could stay on the couch.

I can't wait until I can start testing.

Monitoring

I forgot to post after the monitoring appointments, so I'll just group them into today. They all went well, everything is right on track. Blood work looks good, lining looks good. Hooray! The transfer is on for the 4th, one week from today. I have a ride for me, and a ride for DD to get to the bus. I'm not looking forward to the transfer itself. I HATE the full bladder, and last time it hurt so, so badly when she was pressing on it so hard. But, I'm excited that we get another chance, that I don't have to go out with such a fizzle.

I'm also terrified. I'm terrified that it won't work, and that I will be blamed. Nobody will blame me out loud, I know, but I also know we'll all blame me in our hearts. My guys don't have the money for another ED cycle. Even if they could afford another ED cycle, I'm sure they couldn't afford another IVF cycle, especially not after all of the other stuff they've had to pay for. My insurance covered most of the D&C bills (both times), and most of the blood work in between. But, it won't cover any of the fertility stuff. So, none of the HSGs, not the saline sonogram, the monitoring, nothing. And even with covering most of the second D&C, it still cost them over $1000 when all the bills were in.

I really want my guys to have their baby. They're wonderful people and wonderful parents. I really want them to have this. And, on a selfish note, if it doesn't work, I'm done. And it will be after two transfers, a miscarriage, a failed transfer, 2 D&Cs, 3 HSGs, 1 saline sonogram, a countless blood draws and sonograms. Nobody will want me, and I will have been through all of that (and putting my life on hold for the last 1.5 years) for nothing. My stomach is in knots.

Calendar!

I got my calendar today. :) My last pill is on the 7th (which is awesome, because they make me queasy, and this new brand gives me horrible headaches if I have any caffeine). I have monitoring appointments on the 11th, 18th, & 24th, and I start my estrogen shots on the 12th! Tentative transfer March 4. So excited.

HSG. Again. I hate these things

This morning was pretty craptastic. I got down to the clinic about an hour early, so I hung out in my car and read. When I got out, it dinged at me that my lights were on. Shit. I tried to start the car. Nope, dead. Shit again. I got out, went up to the clinic, and said hi to the receptionist. I said that I was going to go use the restroom, but that I hadn't remembered the code (the restroom is in the hall of the office building, and there's a sign with the code on the desk in the clinic). She smiled and said ok. I came back and signed in, and asked if she had the HSG order for me to take upstairs. (The HSG is done at a radiology place upstairs, though my RE comes up and does the procedure.). She said one sec, that they wanted me to do a pee test. I said that I had just gone. They said I just needed a drop. I was distraught, but I tried. No luck. I came out and said that it wasn't happening. They told me to try again. By this time, I was crying. I had to be upstairs so I didn't miss my HSG, I couldn't pee, my car was dead, I knew I wasn't pregnant, because this was my second period since Linnell had been gone, and plus, he has had a vasectomy for over 10 years. AND, I was already stressed out because I was about to find out if the pain and suffering of the last year had been worth it, or if I was to be done with surrogacy forever. I flipped out a little.

They did make me try again, but when I came back out and said it wasn't working, they said OK and let me go upstairs. I was able to stop crying by the time I got up there. I went back, and the nurse upstairs asked me if I had ever had one before. I said yes, this was my third one in the last year. She said she was sorry. They don't call the RE until I'm on the table, so I got to wait there with my bits flapping in the wind for a few minutes. Fun stuff. The RE did the HSG, and she said everything looked good! Music to my ears. She told me to go downstairs and talk to my coordinator, and we could get started on the cycle! I asked her if I needed to finish this back of BCPs, and she said, "I don't think so". Yay!

I went down, and everybody looked at me like I was a time bomb. I told them I was sorry, that I felt much better now. I told my coordinator what the RE had said. She said that they probably wouldn't have me do the lupron this time (saves 3 weeks!), and that I would probably just start on estrogen in a couple of weeks, and we would probably transfer in MARCH!!! Holy crap, March makes me happy. If we transfer in March, I will be done with (or at least close to done with) morning sickness when Linnell gets home from Afghanistan. We discovered with the last deployment that it is much easier on all of us if we can go on a little trip away somewhere when he gets home, to kind of reset as a family. That way, we can make a new schedule together when we get back, instead of trying to fit him into the schedule that DD and I have had for the past 6 months. I would be overjoyed if we could do that this time.

She said she'll get back to me soon with a calendar!

Follow Up Appt.

I went in for my surgical follow up today. My OB gave me the pathology report to take to the RE. It says on there that the specimen showed possible partial polyps, but that there was nothing there. The RE hasn't requested the pathology report, so I think I'll wait until after the HSG to give it to her.

Other than that, I'm looking good! I actually got my period yesterday, which greatly surprised the OB. He said, "But I scraped it all out!" He said he won't need to see me again until I'm pregnant, and he wished us luck.

My HSG is on the 31st! I am both excited and terrified.

Strange

So, I swear that I was told that there was nothing to remove during the procedure. But, I just got an email from the guys saying that the RE had seen the surgical report and was happy. That the report said there was evidence suggestive of partial polyps. I asked Kim what she remembered being told, and she swears the OB said there was nothing to be found. I wonder if he worded it that way because he knew that's what the RE wanted to hear? He's my hero either way, but that would just be totally rad.

Whatever. She's happy, and I'm supposed to call with my next period! I asked if I can start on the BCPs with this period, so we can be one step ahead, and they said yes! The April transfer window is looking better and better!

Ugh, again

Today, I discovered that recovery takes time, even if you're feeling pretty good.

I didn't end up with any intestinal problems from the surgery this time, which was a definite plus. I took it easy on Saturday, but Sunday is always busy for me. In the morning, we went to church. There wasn't anybody to work in the nursery, so it was down to me. We had 6 little boys, one of whom was a baby who needed to be held the whole time. He's only like 6 months, but this child is massive. After church, I have to drive DD (that's my daughter's new name on here, just FYI) to her volunteer work. It's about 30 minutes away. So, 30 minutes there, 30 minutes back. Then, rest at home for an hour or so, and drive another hour round trip to pick her back up. There is nothing to do any closer to the volunteer place, or I would just stay down there. 

It kicked my ass.

Thouroughly.

Surgery

I had the surgery this morning, and it went pretty well. I had several people ask me if I'm a nurse, because I knew how to properly pronounce hysteroscopy & polypectomy, and because I seemed knowledgeable about medical stuff in general. Nope, I'm just awesome. I told the nurse that I had had some nasty intestinal problems with the IV antibiotics last time, and she said that the antibiotics they were giving me this time were less harsh than last time, so I have high hopes that I will be OK. I also chowed on a couple of yogurts at 11:45 last night (I couldn't eat past midnight), and I've been taking probiotics for the last several days. I baked and decorated special thank you cookies for my OB. They had the Chinese word for "thank you" written on them. He's Chinese.

It was pretty much like last time. I got all set up and waited back in the pre-op area for a long time. My friend Kim (I haven't used that name yet, have I?) took me, and we sat and gossiped. They took me back to the OR and said thanks for the cookies. :) After getting on the table, I remember nothing until I woke up in the recovery room. It took me a bit longer to wake up this time. I vaguely remember the guy in the cubicle next to me saying something about skiing to the nurse in with him. I told them that I love skiing, but east coast snow sucks. I  like the snow in California & Utah. It's more powdery. I don't think I was quite that coherent, though, because the nurse kindly told me to wait a minute, because they couldn't understand a word I was saying. I remember the nurse coming in and asking how I was feeling, and I responded that I didn't think I was ready to sit up yet. I'm pretty sure I went back to sleep after that. Though, for how long, I have no idea. It could have been moments or minutes.

The nurse said that he hadn't found anything to remove, so it was just a D&C, not a polypectomy.

Eventually, I did sit up, and moved to the chair. I kept my sprite and graham crackers down like a good girl, so they called Kim back to help me get ready to go. She drove me home, and I went upstairs for a nap.

At 6, another friend came over with her daughter (my daughter's BFF). We ordered Chinese delivery and watched the Downton Abbey Christmas special. (I have a VPN, so I can watch it online). I've been tired and mildly crampy, but feeling pretty good apart from that.

Amazing

So, I was supposed to go in for pre-op blood work today, for my Monday procedure. But, with scheduling up in the air, I didn't want to go in, in case I had to reschedule for next month. I didn't know if my insurance will pay for it twice, and I didn't want the guys to be out any additional money. I called the OB office to see if there was any way one of the other OBs could do it this week. The guys asked if I would be willing to try and find another doctor who would do it this week if my office couldn''t. I'd rather do that than wait another month, but I'd really rather be with the office where they know me and I know them. The receptionist didn't sound hopeful when I talked to her, because the doctors don't really like to take other doctor's patients like that.

At the end of the day, I got a call from my OB office. She said that my OB was willing to COME IN OFF VACATION and do the procedure for me this Friday! Never in a million years did I expect that. It will be late enough that I can take my daughter (I forgot what name I gave her, and I don't feel like going back to find it right now) to the bus stop, and she can just walk home, since it's supposed to be a relatively nice day. I'm so relieved! I'm still quite worried about how my recovery is going to go, but at least I know now that it WILL go.

And, with getting it done this month, there's a good possibility that we can still do an April/early May transfer. That would make me out of the first trimester so I can go to my HS reunion in August!

Ugh!

Before I scheduled the D&C/polypectomy, I asked the clinic twice  if there was a certain time during my cycle that it had to be done. When the RE had said I would need it done, she had said before day 14. But, my OB had said that he wasn't an RE, and could do it any time. I wasn't sure if the "before day 14" thing was a requirement or just her preference when she used to do them. I got no answer. After I got my December period on the 29th, I asked again, just to make sure. This will put the procedure on Day 16.

I got an email back today (the 3rd, my procedure is scheduled for the 13th), saying that yes, it has to be by day 14. They won't budge. Fart. I was gone all day, and didn't get the email until 4pm, so now I have to wait until Monday to do anything. I hope I can change my rides that I already have scheduled.