Beta and Good News?

I didn't hear anything from my clinic directly, but I did hear from Adam. He called the RE and spoke with her directly. She doesn't believe it was a partial molar at all. She says most miscarriages show some abnormalities. She's going to wait for the beta results to make a decision. So, that would be awesome. One of the recommendations with a molar is to not get pregnant for 6-12 months. I'm kind of afraid my RE would recommend that my IF's not work with me again, just in case.

My guys have said they want to wait for when I'm ready to go again, but if they have an RE recommendation to use somebody else, I'm not sure how that would go. And 12 months is a long time for them to have to wait. It would end up maybe being 2 years before they could have their baby.

And I'm also really afraid, because there's only one more embryo. I know that this isn't my fault, but I still feel really guilty about the whole thing.

My OB called with the beta results - 1398. He said that's a good number. It doens't really mean a whole lot by itself, but I'm taking it as a good sign. I was 537 at 15dp5dt, so 1398 is not much more than double that. So, I have about 4.5 weeks of pregnancy hormone left in me. That would explain why I still feel so tired. But, 4.5 weeks worth of hCG is a lot better than the 9 weeks I would have had 2 weeks ago! Fingers crossed that it is nice and low next week.

Craptastic

The bleeding and cramping started again last night and went through this morning. I called the OB as soon as they opened and told them that it had started again. They asked if I could come in at 10:20, and I said yes.

I got there and went to the back. When the OB came in, he brought in the pathology results from the D&C. It said there was some hydatidiform changes in the chorionic villi. He's a great guy, but has a really thick accent, so it was hard to understand exactly what he was saying. I could understand that he said those results indicated a partial molar pregnancy. I didn't know exactly what that meant, though. My OB said we would need to monitor my hCG levels to make sure everything is returning to normal as it should.

I got home and looked up partial molar pregnancy. That's some scary shit. I'm really glad we caught it early, and that it wasn't a full molar pregnancy. Those can turn cancerous. But, one of the symptoms of a molar or partial molar is "pernicious vomiting". Uh, yeah. I'm really glad I avoided that one.

I'm also glad that we decided on the D&C, because the molar cells can keep growing, even after the fetus has stopped. So, I would have had a dead baby and out of control placental cells inside me for weeks, possibly. Thank goodness that didn't happen. But, the hCG monitoring is to make sure that all of the placental cells are gone. If my hCG doesn't fall, that means there could still be some cells in there, and we would have to do something to get rid of them.

I had a beta (to measure hCG) today at the OB, so I should have the results in a couple of days. I go back next Tuesday for another beta, and next Thursday for another exam.

I wrote to my clinic, my IFs, and my agency to let them know what's going on. My IF's are on their way back from visiting family, I know, but I hope I hear from somebody soon.

Recovery?

So, I don't know if I picked up something in the hospital, if the antibiotics did something to me, or what, but I woke up Monday night with horrible, horrible gas pain, but it just stayed. There was nothing I could do to get rid of it. Finally, I woke up Linnell and asked him to go get me some Gas-X. He kindly did, and I took it. The gas got better, but it turned into really bad diarrhea. All night. I slept for about 2 hours, total. That kept up until mid-morning. It let up a bit after that, but I had to go to the bathroom for every little bit of gas for the rest of the day.

You know how you just feel sore and tired after a bout of intestinal stuff? Yeah, that has been the next couple of days. I kept myself on the BRAT diet for a while, because every time I deviated, it was unpleasant. I'm so glad Linnell was home with me for a couple of days.

I had very little cramping or bleeding, and was feeling OK. Then, Friday, it started. The cramping wasn't horrible, nor was the bleeding. But, it was there, when it hadn't been previously. I had instructions to go to the ER if I was soaking more than 1 pad an hour, if I had clots bigger than a quarter, if I had a fever, or if the cramps were unbearable and not relieved with pain meds. I had none of those, so I just took it easy.

Saturday and Sunday, it got worse. The cramping was bad enough that I took some motrin (that doesn't mean much, but I only take pain killers when I really have to. Especially motrin, as it hurts my stomach). The bleeding still wasn't a pad an hour, and while there were a lot of clots, none of them were bigger than a quarter. Still no fever. So, I slept a lot. Sunday, I went to nap at about 11:30 am and didn't wake up until almost 5pm.

After the nap, I felt much better. The cramping and bleeding were almost gone again. I could walk upright, and I no longer had to stay curled in a ball to ease the pain. Yay!

Linnell was still quite concerned, but I convinced him to go to work Monday. I promised I would call the OB. I did, and told them what had happened. They said that, since the D&C is a blind procedure, the OB probably hadn't gotten everything out, and my body was just getting rid of the rest of it. Since I was feeling better, don't worry, but call if it started again in earnest. No problem!

D&C

I spent a lot of the weekend sleeping, and just generally trying to forget that I was carrying a dead baby. I have to say, it seems very unfair that I still feel pregnant. I still feel sick, I still have to pee in the middle of the night, I'm still tired and gassy. I asked my other surro friends online (many of whom have had miscarriages), and they all said that they felt pregnant right up until the baby was actually gone.

So, today was the D&C. The hospital is about 45 minutes away, and the traffic can be horrible. We had to be there at 9:50. So, we decided to leave at about 8. We figured that if we got down there no problem, we cold just go to a book store or something. But, if there ended up being traffic, we wouldn't be late. As Linnell was eating breakfast at about 7:45 (I wasn't allowed to eat or drink), the phone rang. It was the hospital, asking if we could come in early, because there had been a cancellation. I said that we could leave in about 5 minutes, but it all depended on traffic.

So, we hopped in the car and took off. No traffic, and we even got there in less than 45 minutes. We stopped in registration and gave my name. We waited. It took a long time. The registration guy was a chatty fellow, but we finally finished. We got back to the surgery waiting room, and they took us back almost immediately. I got all robed up, the nurse came in to do my vitals, my IV, and get all of my info, and then we waited. And waited. Linnell desperately needed a coffee, but he couldn't leave while I was in pre-op. Nurses came in and said that the OB and the anesthesiologist would be in to meet us. We waited. The OB game in and said hi and made sure we were OK with everything. Then, we waited some more. The anesthesiologist came in and asked me anesthesia questions. He looked doubtful when I told him I didn't sneak and food or water. I told him I am prone to post-op nausea, and could I please have some Zofran. He said he has a few tricks for nausea, and he'd help me out. He left and we waited some more. They finally took me back at 11:30, a full 20 minutes before my original time. We had waited for over 3 hours.

Linnell went to go get his coffee, and they wheeled me back to surgery. I got positioned on the table, and the anesthesiologist gave me something in my IV that made me a bit dizzy. Then, I was being wheeled into recovery. I was crying. I don't know why. I remember absolutely nothing between looking dizzily at the lights above me and being pushed into a recovery area.

After a few minutes, a nurse came in and talked to me a bit. I was still a bit groggy, so I don't remember exactly what happened. She asked me if I felt sick, and I said no. She asked if I thought I was ready to try to eat & drink a little something. I said yes. She brought me some Sprite and a little pack of graham crackers, which she told me to slowly eat. I did, and was OK. When I was about halfway through, she asked if I thought I could sit in a chair. I said yes, so she brought in a recliner. When I was OK in the chair, she called Linnell in. I finished my crackers & sprite, and she watched to make sure it stayed down. It did, so she took out the IV and let me get ready to go home. When I was dressed, they wheeled me out to the front, and we got in the car and came home.

I came home and went to sleep. But, this evening was my daughter's back to school night/orientation thing. She starts high school this year. Not only that, but this is her first year of school ever, as we  have homeschooled up until now. So, it was very important for me to go if I could. I did. I'm very glad I went, but it made me feel pretty shitty. Now for sleeping. I'm so tired.

OB appointment

When we got in the car from the RE appointment, I called the OB. They asked me how far away I was from the office right now. I said about an hour. They said to come straight to the office.

I was so relieved that we were going to get it done. The thought of having a dead baby inside of me was dreadful. I thought that I could start healing emotionally once the physical part was over.

We got to the OB's office at about 3:30. I checked in and waited. And waited. I was grateful they were fitting me in where they could, so I didn't mind so much. They called me back, did my vitals (7 pounds lost, about right for my first trimester), and took us to a room. Where we waited again.

The OB finally came in, did an exam, and looked at our paperwork from the radiology place saying "fetal demise." He started talking to us about natural miscarriage vs. D&C. It really sounded at first like he was encouraging natural, but then he seemed fine with the D&C. He says they do a couple of them a week. He told us about the risks, and said they did it at the surgery center at the hospital under general anesthesia.

Two blows in one. One, we weren't getting it done today. Today was just a consult. Two, general anesthesia. I'm an emetophobe, and general anesthesia can make you sick. Two and a half, I had to be in the surgery center with sick people who may also barf. Not a good day.

He sent us to see the lady who schedules the surgeries. After we signed the paperwork so that she could call the hospital, she sent me to the lab for some blood work while Linnell waited. When I got back, she was just finishing up getting it scheduled for Monday (today is Friday) at 11:50. So, just a weekend. I can handle this.

When we left the office, it was 5pm. Most of the staff was already gone. When we got in the car, Linnell told me that the lady at the hospital who schedules the surgeries had already gone, that it was somebody else that our lady had talked to. Our lady had said that it wasn't yet 5, and that it was unacceptable that she was gone. She managed to get me scheduled. Thank goodness. I don't think I could make it through the weekend not knowing when this would end.

Now to make sure everybody knows. I wish I had been much quieter about the whole pregnancy.

4th u/s

We went in to the clinic this afternoon to see the RE. She asked where we had done the u/s yesterday. I felt gratified that she was angry over the no internal, as well. She did an internal and confirmed that there was no heartbeat. The baby is dead.

I got dressed, and we all went in to her office to talk. We discussed what happens next. She said that there were three options. We can schedule a D&C, we can wait for a miscarriage to happen naturally, or she can give me pills to put in my vagina that will probably cause the miscarriage to start within a couple of days. She said that it could possibly take weeks for it to happen naturally. The pills, I know, actually cause labor, which can make for a very painful and violent miscarriage. She said that, after I was done bleeding, I would need to go to the ER so they could check and make sure everything had come out. I expressed that both of the miscarrying at home options terrified me, and she agreed that it could be bad, especially as I would never know when it might start. I could be in the grocery store and have a huge gush of blood while shopping.

We also talked about whether or not we wanted to test the fetus for possible genetic abnormalities. Most miscarriages are due to genetic problems, and the guys only have one embryo left. But, as the eggs were from an egg donor, she would have been screened for the major genetic disorders. So, this was probably just a fluke. Plus, to PGD the remaining embryo would be costly, and could possibly damage it. Normally, they do PGD before the embryos are ever frozen. This one would have to be thawed, tested, and refrozen, each step of which ups the risk. Or, we can just try again. We may end up with another miscarriage, or we may end up with a perfect baby.

Of course, the decision was the guys' to make. But, they very kindly asked me what I thought. They don't want me to have to go through this again, so they said they were willing to test this baby and PGD the remaining embryo if it would make me feel better. I said it wasn't necessary.

The RE said that, when I get my next regular perion, we can schedule another HSG, and we can take it from there. So, we're looking at probably starting again in the fall.

I was so afraid that I was going to be blamed, and that the RE would tell the guys to start with somebody new. But, everybody was very supportive. I was relieved.

3rd u/s

Today was our third u/s. It was at a radiology place closer to our house, which is good for me. As little car time as possible is what I want right now. We again had the confusion over who was allowed in the room, but they both came in.

The tech here did the external u/s, and we didn't see a HB. But, the baby measured 9 weeks, which is where I am, exactly. She said we may not need the internal, she was going to ask her radiologist. I was a bit confused, but unconcerned. So, we waited and chatted for a while. When she came back in, she picked up the phone, and had my coordinator talk to me. The coordinator asked if we could all come in the next day for another u/s. We could, indeed. Then, she hung up.

When I turned around, I was upset that we had done this today, only to have to drive down to the city tomorrow. When the tech said that they like to confirm, it dawned on me that we were going back in because the tech hadn't seen the HB. I asked why we weren't doing an internal. She just gave a concerned look. I said we had already paid for it, and we should do an internal. Again, I got that look. She asked what the coordinator had told me. I said that she had told me nothing, but that I guessed it was because of the HB, and why were we not doing an internal. The tech said it wasn't her place to say anything, but that we had all seen that there was no HB, so she could confirm that was why the clinic wanted to see us. She said the machine is a good one, and they should have been able to see a HB on the external at this point.

So, all evening, I have had a little glimmer of hope. It's still early. Maybe we just couldn't see it on the external. On the other hand, I know that they have a good machine, and that there probably really isn't any hope. I keep going between begging the baby to please be alive, and trying to steel myself against the knowledge that the baby is dead. This is not a good night.

I've done lots of research on D&C and natural miscarriage. I'm terrified of natural miscarriage. Some accounts say that the fetus can be identifiable at this point, some say it isn't. I desperately don't want to see the fetus. I'm afraid of the pain, I'm afraid of it starting when I'm in the store or when I'm supposed to be picking up my daughter from school. I'm afraid of being alone for something so traumatic, and it's pretty certain that I would be. Most of all, he thought of carrying a dead baby inside of me for up to 6 weeks or so is horrifying to me. The only thing I'm scared about with a D&C is scarring and general anesthesia. We'll see what the RE says tomorrow, I guess.

2nd U/S

We went in for our second u/s today. I was kind of freaked out after what the coordinator had said. But, it went well. We saw the HB no problem. Then, we went downstairs to the fertility clinic to await our meeting with the RE. We waited. And waited. Adam & Steve's daughter (about 18 months) was not happy with sitting in a waiting room for so long. Our appointment at radiology had been at 1:45, and we were supposed to see the RE at about 2:15. No. We didn't see her until 3:15. And then, it was just, "OK, everything's good." She did say that we could do the next u/s at a branch of the radiology place closer to our house. That's good, because morning sickness has me full force now, and being in the car is abhorrent.

Since we left the clinic so late, we hit absolutely horrible traffic. That time of day is bad coming out of the city, anyway. Add that it was Friday and one of the last weekends of summer? It was torture. It took us 2.5 hours to get home.