Anxiety Attack

I went in this morning for my beta knowing that it was going to be bad. Now, I'm just waiting. Will it be outright negative? Or do I still have to sit here all weekend not knowing for sure? Still pretending to be pregnant until I can go back in on Monday for another beta.

Usually, I hear from my coordinator by 2:30-ish. I emailed her earlier today to tell her she wouldn't have to break any news to me, that I already knew it would be bad, but that I hadn't said anything to the guys, and could she please be the one to tell them. I got an automatic reply telling me she's out of the office today.

I think the clinic closes at 4. It is now 3:39. I called about 15 minutes ago and asked if they had the results, that I wanted to make sure I hadn't gotten lost in the shuffle with my coordinator being gone. The receptionist said that they had the results, that they had been discussed with the doctor, and that the nurse would call me when she got to mine. I'm terrified now that the office will close before they can call the guys, and that I'll have to tell them I ruined their last chance at a baby. I want to email them and say I'm sorry, but I don't want to have to tell them it's negative. And, I have to go pick up DD in 20 minutes. I really hope they get back to me before that. I'm having a major anxiety attack right now. My head feels like my blood pressure must be sky high. My heart is pounding, I feel like I'm carrying weights on my chest and shoulders, and I can hardly breathe. God, I just want this day to be over.

:(

I've pretty much lost all hope of a positive beta. I'm still only getting the faintest of lines. I'm afraid I might be seeing something that's not even there anymore. Still no positive on the digitals. No surprise there. One of my surro friends said that with her first surrobabe, her beta was 11, and she didn't get a BFP until 11dp5dt. Pretty much everybody else agrees that it's over, though.

I spoke with Miranda (the owner of my agency/friend) about what I should do about talking to the guys. They hadn't asked about any testing. She had, though, so I told her that it wasn't going well. She advised that I should probably wait until the beta results, since they hadn't asked about testing. I wasn't sure. I didn't want to crush their hopes, but I wasn't sure if they would rather be prepared for the worst. They're never prepared for the worst.

Adam wrote to me this morning telling me how excited they are for the beta tomorrow, and asked how I was feeling. I just said that my fingers were crossed for a nice strong number. Which is true, though I have pretty much given up hope.

Tomorrow was supposed to be the day when I gave them their baby, not when they learned that they lost their second and last chance. I know in my head that it isn't my fault, but I can't help but feel like I've wasted their babies.

Very faint BFP

Well, yesterday and today, I have been getting very faint BFPs on FRER. However, it's been 24 hours, and they aren't getting any darker. I still got a "not pregnant" on a digital yesterday. The digitals need almost twice as much hCG as the FRERs, so I'm not surprised. This is different from any of my other pregnancies, so I really fear a chemical. I don't think I'm going to get my answer on Friday after all. I'm expecting a low beta number, which means I'll just have to wait until Monday to see what it's doing. I'm feeling really depressed right now.

Hard Day

I'm having a hard day today. I'm 6dp5dt, which is when I've gotten my BFP with the last two transfers. Though, with my first, it wasn't until 8dp5dt. But, I'm still getting BFNs. I normally wouldn't be worried so much, but I just keep thinking that I should be getting ready to have a baby, not a beta. The mailers for birth announcements aren't helping anything. I was ok until those. It was still kind of an abstract date until they sent me things reminding me that the guys should be holding their baby on Friday, not waiting by the phone to see if we have another chance. Combined with the continued BFNs, it's got me really down.I would like to eat copious amounts of frozen yogurt and cry.

Feeling Pregnant....

So, I'm definitely feeling pregnant. I've been exhausted for days, my boobs hurt, and my uterus is pulling. Unfortunately, those are all caused by the progesterone, so I can't say whether they mean anything or not. I just last night started peeing a lot, and I've been thirsty, too, and I don't see those as progesterone symptoms, so maybe those are good signs.

My cat, Cricket, also thinks I'm pregnant. She has been very protective of me through my pregnancies, and she is being very protective now. However, I don't know if she is sensing progesterone or hCG. I'm hoping hCG. But, I've never had a failed transfer to compare.

Today is 5dp5dt. I discovered that it is very difficult for me to have HPTs in the house and not use them, even if I know it's too early to get my BFP. My earliest has been 6dp5dt, but that hasn't stopped me. I have a friend who works at CVS, so I got a discount. Plus, this is my last time ever, so I can waste some money on tests, right? I tested this morning. And after church. Both times, if I took the test apart, and held it up to the window at just the right angle, I could maybe see a shadow of where the second line should be. If I were just looking, I would call it a BFN. I'm calling it hopeful.

I'm also trying really hard not to test again tonight.

Transfer!

Today was the transfer. Since Linnell is gone, my friend Sue took me. I had to be there at 9, and I didn't know the traffic, so we left at 6:45. This time, I didn't start drinking my water until 8, so I wasn't as miserable as last time. I also was only told "full bladder" this time, not 32 oz like last time. So, I just drank one bottle, and was much better. Still not comfortable, but much better. We got there at about 8:30, so not too much time to kill. The guys got there at  9, and I was called back to change. After I changed, they took me back to the prep area. They took my blood pressure, and it was a bit high, but not bad. Everybody else came back, and we chatted for a while. Adam had to go before the actual transfer, because he had a thing he couldn't miss, but Steve and Sue both stayed.

They took us back to the procedure room, and I crawled up on the table. The nurse still pushed really hard on my bladder this time, but as it wasn't as full, it wasn't as painful. We put in our last embryo, a good -looking 5-day blast. The RE didn't give us a grade for it, but she said everything looked great. After she put it in, I had to wait a few minutes on the table, and then I was allowed to get up and pee. Then, I changed, and we left.

I made myself a quick sandwich when I got home. Another friend picked up DD and French fries and brought them home to me. For dinner, we had Chinese delivery, so I could stay on the couch.

I can't wait until I can start testing.