Today was our third u/s. It was at a radiology place closer to our house, which is good for me. As little car time as possible is what I want right now. We again had the confusion over who was allowed in the room, but they both came in.
The tech here did the external u/s, and we didn't see a HB. But, the baby measured 9 weeks, which is where I am, exactly. She said we may not need the internal, she was going to ask her radiologist. I was a bit confused, but unconcerned. So, we waited and chatted for a while. When she came back in, she picked up the phone, and had my coordinator talk to me. The coordinator asked if we could all come in the next day for another u/s. We could, indeed. Then, she hung up.
When I turned around, I was upset that we had done this today, only to have to drive down to the city tomorrow. When the tech said that they like to confirm, it dawned on me that we were going back in because the tech hadn't seen the HB. I asked why we weren't doing an internal. She just gave a concerned look. I said we had already paid for it, and we should do an internal. Again, I got that look. She asked what the coordinator had told me. I said that she had told me nothing, but that I guessed it was because of the HB, and why were we not doing an internal. The tech said it wasn't her place to say anything, but that we had all seen that there was no HB, so she could confirm that was why the clinic wanted to see us. She said the machine is a good one, and they should have been able to see a HB on the external at this point.
So, all evening, I have had a little glimmer of hope. It's still early. Maybe we just couldn't see it on the external. On the other hand, I know that they have a good machine, and that there probably really isn't any hope. I keep going between begging the baby to please be alive, and trying to steel myself against the knowledge that the baby is dead. This is not a good night.
I've done lots of research on D&C and natural miscarriage. I'm terrified of natural miscarriage. Some accounts say that the fetus can be identifiable at this point, some say it isn't. I desperately don't want to see the fetus. I'm afraid of the pain, I'm afraid of it starting when I'm in the store or when I'm supposed to be picking up my daughter from school. I'm afraid of being alone for something so traumatic, and it's pretty certain that I would be. Most of all, he thought of carrying a dead baby inside of me for up to 6 weeks or so is horrifying to me. The only thing I'm scared about with a D&C is scarring and general anesthesia. We'll see what the RE says tomorrow, I guess.
The tech here did the external u/s, and we didn't see a HB. But, the baby measured 9 weeks, which is where I am, exactly. She said we may not need the internal, she was going to ask her radiologist. I was a bit confused, but unconcerned. So, we waited and chatted for a while. When she came back in, she picked up the phone, and had my coordinator talk to me. The coordinator asked if we could all come in the next day for another u/s. We could, indeed. Then, she hung up.
When I turned around, I was upset that we had done this today, only to have to drive down to the city tomorrow. When the tech said that they like to confirm, it dawned on me that we were going back in because the tech hadn't seen the HB. I asked why we weren't doing an internal. She just gave a concerned look. I said we had already paid for it, and we should do an internal. Again, I got that look. She asked what the coordinator had told me. I said that she had told me nothing, but that I guessed it was because of the HB, and why were we not doing an internal. The tech said it wasn't her place to say anything, but that we had all seen that there was no HB, so she could confirm that was why the clinic wanted to see us. She said the machine is a good one, and they should have been able to see a HB on the external at this point.
So, all evening, I have had a little glimmer of hope. It's still early. Maybe we just couldn't see it on the external. On the other hand, I know that they have a good machine, and that there probably really isn't any hope. I keep going between begging the baby to please be alive, and trying to steel myself against the knowledge that the baby is dead. This is not a good night.
I've done lots of research on D&C and natural miscarriage. I'm terrified of natural miscarriage. Some accounts say that the fetus can be identifiable at this point, some say it isn't. I desperately don't want to see the fetus. I'm afraid of the pain, I'm afraid of it starting when I'm in the store or when I'm supposed to be picking up my daughter from school. I'm afraid of being alone for something so traumatic, and it's pretty certain that I would be. Most of all, he thought of carrying a dead baby inside of me for up to 6 weeks or so is horrifying to me. The only thing I'm scared about with a D&C is scarring and general anesthesia. We'll see what the RE says tomorrow, I guess.
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